Babies on the Brain

Probably because Riley is SERIOUSLY not a baby anymore and probably because I have a few friends expecting but I've been thinking about wee ones a lot lately. I so miss that sweet sensation of a newborn curled up asleep on my chest, eyes fluttering and fingers wrapping around anything they touch. It lasts for such a short time and because it happens at the same time as all the sleep deprivation, I don't think it can be fully appreciated in the moment. As with so many things, I appreciate it's profound sweetness fully only when it's gone. Because now I actually have a moment or two to appreciate things.

Of course, thinking about babies will forever remain just that - thinking. We're out of the baby-making game but there are still moments when I wonder what it would have been like to have a third. For a few reasons...1) because I only had the experience of one sibling and think it would be cool to have my kids experience something different, 2) I love being pregnant, 3) curiosity about who else would have shown up in our family. After waiting so long to have babies and then to have 2 within a year and a half and be done, leaves me feeling a little...rushed, I guess. Done so soon?

But I also want to be honest with myself. And that honesty tells me that I am not nearly the mom I'd like to be for the two children I have now and that adding a third would have served to make that endeavor even more of a challenge. I know my limits and while I also know I would have risen to the occasion, I'm kind of relieved that I didn't have to. Maybe I naively think that with two kids instead of three, my learning curve will be shorter. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

So, I will pacify my on and off baby-craving by holding my friends' new little bundles and every once in a while, watching videos of Evie and Riley as newborns. And, I will cherish the fleeting moments when they still happen to cuddle on my lap or lay their head on my shoulder and sigh like a contented baby. Ahhh....